flossyflotsam: cleansing manifesto?

Laura D'Alessandro (

flossyflotsam) wrote,
@ 2008-01-12 12:00:00

Current mood:	thoughtful
Current music:	Catherine Feeny - Mr. Blue

cleansing manifesto?

I do not need friends who constantly victimize themselves and make everyone around them feel awkward and guilty. Who are catty/manipulative and use people. I do not need friends who ceaselessly speak in monologues about their lives/knowledge. I do not need friends who cannot handle disagreements, and who cannot accept my truthful opinions/advice without having a tantrum. I do not need friends who are unreliable, or who believe themselves to be the centre of the universe.

I do need friends who I feel at ease and comfortable with. Be myself with. Who I can have an intellectual discussion with as well as all the silly random stuff in between. I need friends who aren't afraid to let down their barricades, and who I can trust to see my own weaknesses. Who are honest and will call me on my flaws directly, so I may learn in time to become a better version of myself. I need humor and levity to balance the seriousness. Friends who I can hang out with in my pjs too.

With all this said, there are some people in my life I wish I could cut ties from, and others I wish I knew far better. But life is complicated and the gray spectrum is vast. Situations and the people involved are not black and white. It would seem nothing is but actual pigment.

Friendships are not supposed to be a struggle. Quite the opposite, actually.
It may have taken me a while to fully realize all this, but I have, at least.
Now what?

(Post a new comment)

	lizzelizzel 2008-01-12 05:08 pm UTC (link)
	I cleansed myself of people like all of the above too and now find I don't have many friends! It's a double edged sword. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	rhymeswithmulva 2008-01-12 06:52 pm UTC (link)
	It's worth it though. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 05:40 am UTC (link)
	This makes me feel incredibly lucky. I have a fair amount of amazing friends in my life. There are just some that have shown to me over time that they are very much like broken records in their negative actions and thoughts. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	greenbeats 2008-01-12 06:17 pm UTC (link)
	i agree with what the other person said, i've (not quite cleansed, but) distanced myself from people that i find to be like this and that coupled with moving has left me with very few friends. it's refreshing, but also a little lonely. (Reply to this)

	pisque 2008-01-12 06:27 pm UTC (link)
	like the person above, i've stopped being friends with people you mentioned and i too barely have friends. but to me, i value having a small hand of good friends. good people are hard to find. (Reply to this)

	rhymeswithmulva 2008-01-12 06:54 pm UTC (link)
	I'm also the same as everyone above ha. But agreed that it's not how many friends you have, but the quality of the friendships you have. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	rhymeswithmulva 2008-01-12 07:04 pm UTC (link)
	Anyways i say ditch the friends; it's not worth it to stay friends. I know sometimes it's quite complicated, but it'll drain the fuck out of you to stay friends with them forever due to waniting to avoid drama or whatever. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 05:44 am UTC (link)
	I definitely agree about quality over quantity. But to ditch those friends right now would probably cause a lot of complications and awkwardness that cannot be avoided at this point in my life. It's definitely easier just to keep quiet than to cause drama at the present time. Plus, I really hate drama. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	rock_pixie 2008-01-12 07:02 pm UTC (link)
	good for you for sorting out how you feel about this. I think it's important to make these lists; I call them wish lists sometimes because you can't always have everything, but at least you know what you value and why. also, I'm coming to montreal in feb I think. I'd very much like to see you. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 05:47 am UTC (link)
	Hah, wish list is an interesting way to put it. It would be great to see you! When in February and for why? (Reply to this)(Parent)

	vikibristowe 2008-01-12 07:30 pm UTC (link)
	EAT SMORES. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	vikibristowe 2008-01-12 07:32 pm UTC (link)
	Btw, smores are gross. But that would be such an awesome thing to scream while say running full speed, fists raised in the air after having booted all the shit people in your life to the metaphorical curve. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	vikibristowe 2008-01-12 07:33 pm UTC (link)
	... this is embarrassing. CURB. Booted to the curb. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	mspinkie 2008-01-12 08:13 pm UTC (link)
	Booted to the parabola! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	vikibristowe 2008-01-13 03:36 pm UTC (link)
	I laughed a lot at this. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 05:49 am UTC (link)
	But...I like smores. Eating smores would be a treat! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	vikibristowe 2008-01-13 03:36 pm UTC (link)
	You're just as gross as smores. When are you and Phil going to come over for dinner again? Its been too long. (Reply to this)(Parent)

mspinkie
2008-01-12 08:13 pm UTC (link)

I'm in the same boat as most of your commenters here (i.e. cleansed, less friends). It got me thinking that maybe I was hypersensitive or very intolerant of people. But in the end, I'm still happier.

And I'm not sure if the people who surround you are people you've known for ages, but personally, I find myself in an almost completely different group of close friends every time I switch schools/jobs. So I think cutting off people who make you more unhappy than happy is just speeding things along. I probably wouldn't be able to deal with them for another few years anyway.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

flossyflotsam
2008-01-13 05:56 am UTC (link)

I also think I am hypersensitive, and definitely picky about the people I can tolerate.

Some people around me I have known for longer, and some for shorter, but most of my friendships here in Montreal are no older than 3.5 years. Maybe that is old in your eyes though, hah.

After high school there was a huge cleansing. I no longer had to hang out or be near all the people who made me unhappy or just annoyed me. That felt great. I have a feeling the same will happen once I graduate and/or move away from Montreal.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	rhonda_izzle 2008-01-12 08:17 pm UTC (link)
	I wish I had the guts to do what everyone else has done. "Friendships are not supposed to be a struggle." Word. Effort is what you put towards your goals, not your relationships. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 06:05 am UTC (link)
	I definitely think that effort has to be put towards any relationship, but it's not supposed to be a painful effort by any means. Actually, were you on crack when you wrote that comment? If you think that relationships -- both platonic and romantic -- don't need effort then you are crazy beans! p.s. I love you [the movie] (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	rhonda_izzle 2008-01-13 06:10 am UTC (link)
	Dude - I stand by my comment. It shouldn't feel like effort, compromise and work to keep a relationship going. Somethings shouldn't be that hard. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

flossyflotsam
2008-01-13 07:02 am UTC (link)

I agree that most of the time it shouldn't feel like effort, but it still is. Picking up a phone and calling someone is an effort, an enjoyable one if you sincerely like hanging out with the person.

As for the romantic type of relationship, well I definitely believe a long term one takes lots of effort, work and compromising. And I certainly don't love Phil any less because I have to put in some effort or make compromises. It's all a labour of love, so most of the time it is easy because I want to do it. And I think that similar logistics can be applied to genuine friendships and the nurturing they need to grow.

...Maybe I am totally missing your point!

(Reply to this)(Parent)

cowboys_bash
2008-01-12 10:14 pm UTC (link)

Laura no matter how hard you try, your fish 'squid' is it? Will nver change, it can't help but talk about it's problems and whatnots, all it knows is itself. Just accept the fish for who it is, you heartless beast! -_-

No but honestly, friendship DOES take work, because people are difficult every so often, and everything good takes work, it's all about worth. Is that friendship worth it? Does the work outweigh the goodness of the friendship? If so, I say get good at eye rolling and do so everytime they say ANYTHING, thus hints will be laid.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

flossyflotsam
2008-01-13 06:23 am UTC (link)

Haha, no, Squid is Rhonda and Carolina's fish. Phil and I used to have two fish. Tim, who we still have, and Curry, who died last year. This photo is of Curry, taken before he died and looking rather sickly. Poor little guy.

I definitely agree that friendships take work. But I think that most people can sense who makes them constantly uncomfortable, or cannot let their guard down and be themselves. Also, if I feel as though I am getting no enjoyment at all [be it intellectual, comedic, whatever] from being friends with certain people then what's the point?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

cowboys_bash
2008-01-13 06:52 am UTC (link)

Wow, the idea of a fish slowly dying is odd, to me they always just seem normal until one day bam, floating upside down.

I say fuck it then, just be a bitch and get rid of it, you might feel guilty and people might call you a bitch, but sometimes that's funny and also..fuck them. I know it's adult to just put with up with shit and that's mature to do things you don't alays like. But you can choose your friends, choose wisely and fuck the rest I say!! Fuck em hard!

(I hope so much you were somehow talking bout me, despite us hanging out only once, just for the pure humor of it all)

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

flossyflotsam
2008-01-13 07:09 am UTC (link)

HAH, no. You are hilarious and kind of awesome. Plus, it really wouldn't be fair/make sense to judge your whole character on less than 24 hours of hanging out with you and what I have read on your blog.

And yeah, Curry was sickly looking for a few days before he died. Betta fish get all pale and less active. Like E.T. when he's found by the stream. Man, sick E.T. traumatized me as a kid.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	lady 2008-01-12 10:29 pm UTC (link)
	I could not have said it better myself :\ But now that you've realized it, what you should do is try and, as the first commenter put it, cleanse yourself of these people. It's hard, but you deserve better than to feel this way. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 06:26 am UTC (link)
	I think cleansing will come in time, and in the meantime I can be patient. And it's really not like I have much time for a social life either at this point [which I am kind of thankful for] since the load for my courses is really piling. (Reply to this)(Parent)

Yep. Sounds familiar.

my_funky_self
2008-01-12 10:42 pm UTC (link)

I know EXACTLY how you feel, Laura. Most of the gang that we hung out with... well, actually, all of them, aren't in contact with me. Yourself and Phil are exceptions, as I know that if you guys weren't living in Montreal, I am sure that we'd hang out. You guys would probably be my number one (ones...?) people to hang out with (Taigan as well, but she is in Brockville) and have awesome times with.

The past couple of years I've tried soooooo damn hard to make plans with Kelly, but she never tries on her end. Never. I guess we've drifted apart, and I understand that, but once in a blue moon, I wouldn't mind her giving me a shout to hang out. I'll always consider her my friend, but I've given up trying to be around her, if that makes any sense. Although, I must admit that I am embittered towards her.

I've had the very same epiphany and now I find myself pretty lonely due to it. Pat's friends are all swell and really nice, but I don't feel 100% comfortable hanging out with them.

Mind you, I've made a really awesome friend who works at Heritage, but she has a very busy life (she has a daughter) so outings with her are few and far between. She is awesome, though.

What this huge comment comes down to is that I fully understand where you are coming from. I give you mental hug!!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	Re: Yep. Sounds familiar. flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 06:32 am UTC (link)
	That really sucks with Kelly. I know you two have been friends forever so that must be tough for you...or was tough for you. Move to Montreal? Hehe. It is always great seeing you and Pat. You are definitely very awesome people. It is a shame that we cannot see more of each other. Too many good friends just live too out of reach. It's saddening. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

Re: Yep. Sounds familiar.

my_funky_self
2008-01-13 04:04 pm UTC (link)

Hehehe. I've always loved that icon. Matthew Good looks so insane there. Heh... he looks a bit like my friend Nick.

Yeah, it does suck about Kelly. But it is evident that she does not want to even try to find time to hang out, or just simply doesn't want to. If the latter is the case, then I don't want bug her anymore. It is too time consuming for an answer that always gets me down.

I don't know if I would want to live in Montreal, but I am DEFINITELY going to try to make a better effort to come up more often. It was so great to see you, I cannot really begin to put it in words. Hopefully Phil will be included in the next outing! I haven't seen that man in soooooo long!

And thank you ^_^. Both Phil and yourself are totally awesome as well! Yay for awesomeness!

(Reply to this)(Parent)

lustreglass
2008-01-13 03:15 am UTC (link)

I agree with what you wrote, 100%. I think it's great that you realized it, though it can definitely be difficult to live with these realizations. I think you should be true to yourself, and slowly distance yourself from those of which you feel you need to cut ties with, and again slowly talk more to those you think would be cool people to get closer to.

I hope it all works out :)

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 06:36 am UTC (link)
	Heh, it's not like I suddenly realized all of this...for years I have been contemplating the type of people I should avoid and those who I should let in. I guess what I meant was that something in me has boiled over and I had to coherently get all these floating thoughts out of my head. Felt good. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	(Anonymous) 2008-01-13 05:18 am UTC (link)
	Sometimes friendships do take struggle though, and in my experience they have often turned out to be far more complete and fulfilling relationships. I'd say something far more insightful here but I'm still slightly hung over so I'll leave it at that. Emily (Reply to this)(Thread)

flossyflotsam
2008-01-13 06:48 am UTC (link)

I wouldn't use the word struggle with friendships, but I completely believe that they do take effort, and that real friendships aren't just about having fun, but are for sincere support and trust when times are tougher.

But sometimes some people end up being just not worth the time. When I get no fulfillment out of certain relationships, constantly feel uncomfortable and like I am basically either forced to lie or face irrationality I think it's safe to say I don't need these people in my life. It's a feeling in the gut too.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	paintedangel 2008-01-13 06:56 am UTC (link)
	Tori said it best in that we "soon forget the things we cannot see." Good luck getting rid of the negative people in your life! (Reply to this)(Thread)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 07:11 am UTC (link)
	Tori...who? Thanks, though it will definitely be a gradual phasing out. I really dislike drama and confrontation. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	paintedangel 2008-01-13 07:14 am UTC (link)
	Tori Amos. It's the one quote from her I constantly think of over and over, "Or do we soon forget the things we cannot see?" (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	flossyflotsam 2008-01-13 03:24 pm UTC (link)
	Oh yeah! Happy Phantom. After I posted that reply I hit my head in a "D'oh!" moment. (Reply to this)(Parent)

candicethelost
2008-01-13 08:05 am UTC (link)

"I do not need friends who constantly victimize themselves and make everyone around them feel awkward and guilty. "

Yeah, but what about the people who might need you, are you just going to shut them out? Don't you think that's exactly what they're thinking before they get to your doorstep, "oh she hates me. . ." Formula for a shut in, they think everyone hates them for who they are. As for intellectualism, boo.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

flossyflotsam
2008-01-13 03:22 pm UTC (link)

Haha, well for one I do not hate anyone. Hate is a really strong emotion that I better having a fucking amazing reason to feel if I ever do.

Anyway, the people I am thinking about are not close friends. They have their own vast connection of friends. So what if there is one less person in their lives for them to complain to? It's not like they even want any advice. They are just looking for more sympathy and attention. As a made up example of what one would complain about: "Poor me, I have all these projects due in a week!" uhh...yeah...so do I...but that's school for you and you don't see me whining about it.

Also, I feel as though some of these friends don't give a shit about me, and just see me as another person to vent to, or who knows, even slander about behind my back because they seem to like to do that about other friends of theirs. I just don't see the bright side in keeping them in my life, Candice.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	candicethelost 2008-01-14 02:17 am UTC (link)
	Neat on it! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	comrad_pat 2008-01-13 09:52 pm UTC (link)
	I wonder if this posts make people you havent seen in a while wonder if they've been purged (Reply to this)(Thread)

	comrad_pat 2008-01-13 09:56 pm UTC (link)
	also when thinking of purging i picture you in a soviet uniform a la stalin (Reply to this)(Parent)

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